One of the things that fascinates me in workshops and sessions I give is how many different experiences are able to live together in our bodies at one time. We can be horrified and at the same time hearing beautiful music. We can be in pain and at the same time being touched to the bottom of our hearts. Our ability to perceive this can assist us to face what already happened in our life while moving toward our future goals. It allows us to choose which direction our life can move in from now on.
I love my work because I am a witness and facilitator of this discovery. I watch my clients step beyond what they already know about themselves, tapping into personal discoveries, interests and better fulfillment while moving toward what they wish to achieve in their lives.
How can we choose the direction of our life story?
In my many years of professional experience I have heard many touching stories of people’s pasts, some more difficult than others. With some clients I found myself wondering:
“How did they manage to create such life- change while overcoming what hurt them?”
“How do they manage to continue and smile?”
“How is this person still interested in self-development after such events?”
“How do they manage to not lose their trust in other human-beings?”
These questions led me to understand that although past events have influenced us, if we choose to face what happened, including childhood trauma, and not ignoring it, whatever happened does not have to define our life today.
Stories co-exist in our body’s memory.
When I hear stories of clients I work with, I listen with my entire being- my ears and my hands work simultaneously so not only their words tell me about their wishes and what already happened, but also their body-language, their posture and their muscles. I realize once and again that there is so much more to every story. The girl that was coldly manipulated by her step-father also loved him. Maybe it should not have happened together, but it still did. “How did you find inner strength to continue helping him throughout his illness?” I asked the woman as she sat in front of me. She looked at me with sadness in her eyes, and told me about all the times they played together when she was a kid, all of his care and affection. Her memory contains all of what happened – her wish to be cared for, her wish to be loved, the games, as well as his terrible misuse of her trust.
Our body-memory holds triggers.
All of her experiences were mixed together and continued to influence her greatly: when she was loved, she expected to be betrayed. When she was being given a compliment, she believed that she would have to pay a high price for it. It was not only her brain that remembered; it was in her body and experience, in the way her muscles were squeezed each time she felt pain or pleasure. It was in the way her eyes narrowed down when somebody was looking at her. It was in her struggle to take a deep breath. A big part of our work together was to let her notice this mixture of messages her body gave her and train in re-choosing the direction of her life.
We can redirect our attention.
I am not suggesting focusing exclusively on our past. I am rather suggesting that we direct our attention on the future and our personal goals. But most people find that what limits them has roots in their past. Noticing it, facing it, not ignoring it and more than anything else- experiencing it, allows us to let go of whatever it was and move on with much more freedom toward creating a life full of everything we wish.
It is obvious that we should do our best to protect children from wrong that can happen to them. But we also know that part of what defines us is the way we managed to go through difficult times and what we learned from such struggles. When I meet an adult, it is clear that we cannot change their past including childhood traumas that already happened. If I can teach the person to not ignore what happened, we have a much better chance to direct their life today toward what they want it to be.
The horrible heart pain of the past can turn into their knowledge of how to go through a difficult time. The moment they froze in front of what scared them can turn into their ability to learn to not block themselves in frightening situations. The fact that they have a reason to mistrust can be transformed into a deliberate choice to trust.
What memories should we focus on?
As so many things happened in our life, the ones we should focus on are the ones that still affect us today. The story itself is not nearly as interesting as the effect it had on us. Do you find yourself responding to certain situations in a way that is not fitting to what is happening? Do you, for example, get angry in a way that is not proportional to the current moment? Can it be that you are still respond to something that happened in your past?
I suggest the following exercise to lead you through noticing how your past manifests in your life and body today and how to purposely let go of it.
- Think of a feeling you experience often (boredom, frustration, anger). Remember a recent situation where you experienced this emotion without wanting to.
- Try remembering what happened in your body at the same time. Let’s say that you remember the tension in your shoulders. Create this same tension now, on purpose (don’t worry! it will only be for a few minutes).
- Notice what other physical experiences are joining in– do you also contract your hips? Do you clench your teeth? Do you stop breathing?
- Notice how the physical experience also affects other parts – Are you nervous? Disconnecting from your surroundings? Do you find it difficult to think?
- Exaggerate all you do for a moment and then drop all of it and take a big breath.
- Let your body do the exact opposite movements. If you contracted your body before, open up, if you were hardly breathing, take very deep breathe, etc.
The above exercise is only a small taste of the process of learning how memories from our past still live in our body, and how we can train ourselves to let go of their grip on us.
Let’s create the new.
You might discover that by giving space and time to what upset you in the past, its impact on your life today is reduced. And then you might find new ways of responding in situations in which you became angry, afraid or anxious before. You might even perceive some of them in a completely different light and therefore open up for a new future.
Your body, experience and the way you respond to situations you face in your life today can lead you so clearly into practical changes you wish to create. When such changes take place we find ourselves stepping beyond what we already know and curious toward the new that opens up.
